Instructions for the Babysitter
by treneka
Summary: Watching over the ikkou is a wearying job. After that last fic, I thought Hakkai deserved a break. Warning: self-indulgent drivel, complete with WaFF, Fluff and Canon Sues with teeth.


a/n: Well, I promised myself to write something lighter. This is it. It's purely self-indulgent, un-betaed drivel with every crime a fanfic author can commit. For the wonderful folks out there who seem to like reading my stuff, forgive me. You may want to skip this one.

**Instructions for the Babysitter:**

Thank you for agreeing to babysit on such short notice. I appreciate your intervention and the efficiency of your agency. You'll remember there are three boys and one pet, and I promise to tip well.

1. Driving

You will be driving every day. Jeep is very well mannered and easy to handle. If the truth be told, he can drive himself, however I think he finds hands on his steering wheel reassuring and likes you to use the accelerator, brake and clutch to indicate your preferences on speed and such. You don't need to speak to him while driving, however he does seem to understand, and is a very good listener. You may find yourself in need of such by week's end.

In any case, always remember to feed him first when you stop at an inn. He likes raw meat, chopped into bite-sized pieces. Beef seems to be his current preference, but he's not terribly picky. If you're forced to camp on the road, he will usually take an hour or two to go hunt for himself before returning to provide sleeping space.

2. Feeding

I generally try to feed Goku at least five times a day. He's the only one of the three who will eat breakfast – Sanzo generally prefers to begin the day with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, and Gojyo will sleep right through it unless you tell Goku to wake him up. Please note that if Gojyo does wake up for breakfast, he will fight Goku for his food. This can be noisy, so for the short time you'll be taking care of them, I recommend simply letting him sleep.

Returning to Goku, he will eat a prodigious amount at breakfast, however will undoubtedly be hungry again before lunch. I generally let the first few complaints go, but maintain a stash of sliced vegetables, whole fruit (I think I've got clementines at the moment), and dry cereal to tide him over. Lunch is usually served in the car – Goku will require larger portions than the other two, and Gojyo can be counted on to steal parts of his meal from him to keep things more even. Sanzo may or may not eat. If at all possible try to persuade him to take at least a small bit of protein and some vegetables – he can usually be coaxed into accepting carbohydrates in the form of beer.

After lunch, Goku usually takes a nap for an hour or so, followed by card games or road bingo with Gojyo or perhaps an afternoon youkai attack (see section 4). Always feed Goku after exercise (it helps to calm him back down, and you will otherwise find yourself with quite a whirlwind on your hands). Don't let Sanzo see you doing it, however, as he maintains a somewhat unrealistic notion that Goku should only eat when everyone else does. If the boy were restricted to Sanzo's dietary habits, he'd starve, but I've given up on pointing this out.

Dinner is generally the liveliest meal of the day, and Gojyo and Goku will be in rare form unless a) one or both of them is/are injured, b) Gojyo is particularly interested in the waitress, or c) it is raining. I find simply ordering the entire menu and then sitting back to watch the fun is the best way to deal with it. Remember to tip the waitstaff well.

On the road you will find that it is often difficult to maintain a well balanced diet. For this reason, I have included a packet of multi-vitamins in your kit. Sanzo will take one if it is placed beside a fresh pack of cigarettes. Gojyo will take one if you ask...ah...nicely (if this is problematic, don't worry about it – he generally eats more healthfully than the others). Goku will not take one at all if the pill is presented outright, but if you crush his up and secrete it in a meat bun, he's unlikely to protest.

3. Bathing, Sleeping and other Evening Rituals

Once dinner is over, everyone usually takes an hour or so of "alone time," but as Goku does not like to be left alone, he will probably tag along with you (unless Sanzo is in a particularly tolerant mood). He enjoys hearing stories (I've left you Aesop's Fables as we've not yet read that one), helping with laundry or cooking, or playing cards. If the inn offers bathing facilities, make sure he avails himself of them, and be sure to check (unobtrusively, if possible) to make sure that he has washed behind his ears and rinsed all of the shampoo from his hair. The limiter makes this last task somewhat tricky, but un-rinsed shampoo can lead to an itchy scalp, and it is best to remove as many incentives for him to place his hands near his diadem as possible.

As for Sanzo and Gojyo; the former will bathe himself any time there is an opportunity. The latter will usually do likewise, but if he begins to smell, a slight sniff and a raised eyebrow accompanied by an amused smile can usually achieve a return to proper hygiene. Both will require occasional polite reminders to brush their teeth. Sanzo will greet such a reminder with a scathing retort (nothing personal, just a matter of form). Gojyo on the other hand should be reminded from across a room lest he attempt to trap you in close quarters as a way of confirming (for himself) the state of his breath. Once again, this is nothing personal. That's just how Gojyo is.

Regarding sleep, Goku only operates in two modes: hyperactive and out-like-a-light. As a consequence he is usually a pretty good sleeper. It can be difficult to convince him to go to bed if Sanzo has not yet done so, however. Luckily, Sanzo is at least on some level aware of this, and can generally be counted on to put Goku to bed if the two are rooming together. For this reason, I find it rather effective to ask for two rooms upon reaching an inn. Do not tell the others that you do this (they don't like to share), but it really will make your life easier, both in putting them down and waking them in the morning. If need be, have the host or innkeeper lie for you. If you're charming enough, this will not pose a problem; you'll be aided and the boys will be none the wiser.

Sanzo sleeps lightly, but will do so without having to be asked unless it is raining. In the event that it _is_ raining when night falls, he will remain awake and smoking all night and nothing can be done to prevent it. As a result, on mornings following a rainfall, he will be unusually difficult to deal with. Do not despair. Simply get the others moving as early as possible, get Sanzo into the Jeep and begin driving. The engine will generally put him down within a few miles and everyone can relax.

Which leaves Gojyo. He may or may not sleep in his room, but will always return before dawn. His requirements for somnolence are drastically smaller than the others', for all that he seldom wakes of his own accord. My only advice would be to ensure he is firmly aware of which bed is his, should you happen to room with him. He can become... ah... confused when drunk, and while his more, shall we say, _affectionate_ nature is usually tempered by the alcohol, he does tend to take the lion's share of the blankets. Morning apologies do not make up for a night of freezing feet.

4. Youkai attacks and other road obstacles

When dealing with attacks, assassins and other situations involving fighting, you will need to remember several simple points.

a) Always stay as close to Sanzo as possible. Although he is the magnet for all manner of trouble, he is also the most closely guarded. Remember to stay beside him, out of the line of fire, and your chances of avoiding major injury will be vastly reduced.

b) Stay well clear of Gojyo while he is fighting. It requires empathy, good reflexes and a solid understanding of the shaku jou's relationship to the laws of physics to avoid either hindering him or becoming injured yourself.

c) Keep an eye on Goku's limiter. If it shows any sign _at all_ of damage, keep Sanzo between yourself and him until the situation can be rectified. If Sanzo is unconscious, say a prayer to Kanzeon and run.

d) Never fear enemies who attack in large numbers. The boys will dispatch them with ease. Any enemy who approaches alone or in a group of less than ten should be viewed as a major threat and avoided if at all possible.

e) Chi shields are very useful, but always remember to save some energy for the inevitable healing of cuts and scrapes afterwards.

On the off chance that the Kougaiji-tachi chooses to attack next week, please simply inform Yaone-san that you are a babysitter, and request a rescheduling for some time after my return. Goku will be disappointed, but really, our arch-enemies should not be opposed by less than our full strength. Yaone will understand, and can generally influence Kougaiji appropriately.

5. Injuries and Illnesses

I've included a directory of all the local healers in the next two provinces. In addition, you will find a well-stocked first aid kit including bandages, antiseptics, sutures, saline, splints, chemical ice packs, braces, styptic powder, aspirin, and other common supplies located in Jeep's trunk (in Goku's backpack, to be specific). For severe bleeding, chi healing is often your only recourse, but please do not drain yourself if you can avoid it. In the event that you yourself are injured, know that Sanzo is fairly capable with basic first aid, and Gojyo is unusually skilled in dealing with muscle strains, bruised tendons and other soft-tissue injuries. Goku's first aid skills can be more... ah... enthusiastic than effective. If he approaches you holding bandages, it is best to decline assistance.

With regards to illness, the ikkou seldom becomes ill. Should some outbreak occur, note that Goku likes a lot of attention (clean sheets, back-rubs, and above all, chicken soup). Gojyo likes to take very long baths and be pampered. Do monitor his cough syrup intake, however, since he can overdo it. Sanzo will refuse to admit he is sick until such time as he passes out from fever, weakness, etc. Sadly, having Goku tie him to a bed, so that he can be force-fed medications may be your only option. Guilting him into more adult behavior is also effective, but is somewhat more difficult to achieve. With any luck, no one will contract any debilitating illness in the coming week.

6. Miscellany

Babysitting the Sanzo-ikkou can be a very difficult task, but please remember that for all their irritability, melodrama and... ah... adventuresome tendencies, their hearts are in the right places. Please treat them with care.

---omake---

"Are there any points you'd like me to clarify?" his voice was politely cheerful, with the barest intimation of debilitating concern.

"No, thank you," she smiled with equal politeness – familiar counterfeit cheer curving her lips. "Your instructions are quite... ah... thorough." With businesslike efficiency, she folded the handwritten sheets into a compact bundle and tucked them into a pocket in her dark green overshirt.

"I must admit to being unsure how they will react to you..." He did not wring his hands, but she could tell he wanted to.

"Ah, ha ha," hir voice was suddenly deeper and softer. "Not to worry. I'm not a _Mary_ Sue, after all. The agency thought this might be a better fit." Se studied his face, and he watched in surprise as features shifted the rest of the way. The now-unnervingly-familiar man pulled a monocle and three silver ear-cuffs from another pocket. Slipping them on, he gave a quick spin. "How do I look?"

"That's... very impressive."

"Have an excellent trip. You've earned it, and the girls at the spa can't wait to get their hands on you." Hakkai had never noticed how seductively wicked his irony could sound. Laughing lightly, he nodded and picked up his suitcase.

"You will take good care of them?" Something about that smile was unsettling.

"The best. Don't worry." His copy opened the door, gesturing him through. On the threshold, Hakkai paused one last time.

"If I might ask, who is your author?"

"treneka." And this time there were gleaming teeth in the familiar, feigned smile.

"Oh my go--" But the door closed before he could change his mind.


End file.
